Friday - 21/03/2025
08:37
Fucking great. I'm not doing anything, I'm not contributing anything to my group or to anyone.
8:52
Okay, I actually did something just now. That's great. It's always when I complain that shit changes. I should take that as a sign to continue writing in this diary-thing. But now, I'm really looking forward for Art class. I have been for the past two weeks. We have to make the exam-project, AKA; do whatever the hell, you want, AKA; just draw for an hour and a half.
Back to contribution: The hell I did? Wrote some nonsense about "the stage of microorganisms growth". Whatever you call it in English. But it was a humble little chunk. So it's fine. WTH am I doing? IDK why I keep trying with this... school thing. UGHHGHGHG! What if I don't manage to pick myself up? That's how I feel.
09:47
InshAllah, I'm skipping PE.
I was operating under the idea that I wasn't gonna have PE for two weeks. Lying arse. After getting my ass spread by the biology teacher giving me the: "You can't just leave your group alone:(" talk, he let us all go early. I don't disagree with him, I'm just really fucking pissed at MYSELF. So anyways, I just walked around listening to music during that break. And then I had a near meltdown in the toilet. But now I'm in physics class. Which is the worst class on earth.
Me because of physics^
If my retarded arse actually paid attention the first time 'round, mayhaps I wouldn't be sitting here, thinking: "Erm, this is so hard :(."
Disservice
That's what I do to myself. Ad nasueam.
I got some cool-arse photos though!Monday - 24/03/2025
Don't ask where the hell I've been. I've barely even had time to sit tf down.
Friday, art-class, I actually managed to finish my sketch! :O And I remember it being really good. Now I REALLY am excited for next art-class. Isn't it so agitating that it's always on Friday? The real raisin at the end of the sausage.
I'm not gonna talk about the weekend. Not Abel Makkonen Tesfaye either. Haha. Just worked it away. I asked my friend if she wanted to cover my shift and this heffa left me on seen??? WTF!! I'm guessing she's trying to figure it out but... Why don't you say so? I'm not talking about Amala Ratna Zandile Dlamini either. Anyways, I'm in English class rn and my teacher totally fucking ignored my finger even though he fucking knows I rarely speak in class. I'm getting angered to tears, it's so frustrating to not be able to air out my thoughts. School is the only time anyone ever listens to me and I'm ignored even there. Why do I continue to fucking try? Why do people want me to speak and then ignore me? HE BROUGHT THE TOPIC BACK UP AGAIN, LOOKED ME IN THE EYES AND FUCKING IGNORED MY FINGER FOR THE SECOND FUCKING TIME RETARDED FUCKING SHIT AND THEN GOES "ANYONE ELSE OR DO WE JUST MOVE ON?" MY GROUP LOOKED CONFUSED WHY HE IGNORED ME, I DROPPED MY JAW AND WIDENED MY EYES. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! I actually fought tears and my throat is lumpy because I'm so taken aback. You give me a shit grade cuz I don't say enough and then you only pick the people who talk the most and then BLATANTLY ignore me? Everybody should eat shit and die fuck all of you retarded fucks thank you THANK YOU! I'm listening to the student who always talk, talk. This is so fuuuuucking great. And now the new topic for English is "integration and immigrant" AMAZING!
HE FUCKING IGNORED ME AGAIN ONLY TO PICK SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS TALK !!!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONLY THAT BUT THERE WAS ONLY TWO FINGERS INCLUDING MY OWN! THE BLATANTCY OF IT ALL HAHHAHHA I'm laughing to not fully rage. "You guys don't seem so keen on talking today" I will eat my dick in the middle of this arsehole, that's the funniest statement to be stated. My face is a permanent frown :( right now. I'm so done with today, all the people that inhabit it and the rest of my days, that it's inexplicable. I'm not even that easily annoyed but the elegancy of being ignored so obviously and with eye-contact in it (yes, he stared at my dumbass as he went on to state that nobody was talking so we could move on), holy shit let me interrupt this to say my sidemate won't stop saying "uhm" and "uh" I'm actually gonna flip this table, anyways the elegancy of being ignored so blatantly has my sides in rips. Amazing x300.
He just ignored me AGAIN. "Why do you keep your finger up at this point?" Well, I'm assuming there isn't some deep conspiracy going on. Maybe his peripheral vision is just being gangbanged by The Great Fog but maybe I should answer that question with: "I don't know. Maybe I should stfu."
09.49 - Teeth hurt. We have history soon and I'm dreeeading it because it's the most boring subject we have. I don't like history and I don't like it one bit. If I'm not bored out of my vagina, I'm feeling terrible because we're talking about people being obligerated. Why the hell would I want to willingly curb my ignorance to these horrible things out of my own accord? Well, I know why I would. It's an important thing to do. We shouldn't be impervious towards these things. However, it doesn't change how I feel. Anyways, if teech ignores my finger this time, I'll show it up my arse.
10.26 - Yaass queen the consequences of not doing my homework! Sucked butt and butt sucked. As Shakespeare would say. But it ended up, okay-ish-esque ehhhhhhhh. Who cares, I ain't getting graded. I don't need to worry about being ignored, I got nothing to say anyways. And: Oh yeah, my friend couldn't cover my shift. HAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHA :/ So I asked another coworker. If he's unable as well, I might as well just die. *Que dramatics*. Okay, I'm not this much of a quirkball IRL I'm just being foreign to myself when writing here. Like, it just springs up. Which is ironic because I'm supposed to be authentic on here.
11.51 - French time bby!
Class hasn't even properly started yet and I'm already bored. Coworker hasn't answered me yet either so beyond bored I'm nervous. Oh, just saw he was active 55 minutes ago, that's so great. Ignore me if you will. What's with people today and ignoring me? Is it "ignore Xenia day"? Hhaha. On a side-note, I'm in a much better mood now. In break, I took a walk. It was beautiful out. I wish, I could sit on the bench by the beach and draw and do my homework or WHATEVER. But if my coworker doesn't answer me, I'll be damned. Aww :( :(:(:(:(:(:(::(:( Now I REALLY wanna. It's so pretty out! I could do that tomorrow, maybe. :P MAYBE! We'll see. Coworker plllleeeeaaaassseee answer me.
Cunty French drawings from my book. We're not working with them necessarily, I was just scrolling through "Bonjour Lyon." I just spent a little time fixing the layout of the blog as it randomly decided to break. Isn't that so lovely for me? Anyways, I ain't doing shit. Well, I did a lil. But I didn't finish the task. We got assigned a French assignment XD HAhahaha! I'm gonna do it once I finish my expired math assignment and sociology presentation. It's only 200 words anyways, so who's worried? 0)u0)
Tuesday- 25/03/2025
08:17 - I'm tired, so I won't write too much today or right now. I want to watch Snow White rn cuz why not but I also don't. I don't feel like doing too much, ehh.
Wow, Walts got some bad handwriting there, lol.
9:48- THIS WAS THE CUTEST MOVIE EVER OMG?? I looooved it and finished it JUST in time. Class is due, I'll write to you soon.
10:09- I finished my grammar so now I'm just waiting for my very slow classmates to play catch-up. In the mean-time, let me just tell you that Snow White was the cutest little thing on earth. Awww. She was so sweet and kind and femininine. Goals, honestly. Rachel Ziegler totally genocided her. The animals were so cute, the prince was so handsome, she was so nice, the evil queen was so evil (shock), the dwarves were the only down-side... They simply annoyed me. Just as I imagined they'd be. But everything else was super swell. I wasn't bored whenever Snow White came on the screen. I miss this, totes. If you're wondering, blog-reader, my favorite princess is Aurora. So now you know that. I think my classmates are almost done...:P
Okay, the teacher who totes ignored me yesterday and caused a wild rage-posting from me, just acknowledged my expediance and said he was satisfied with my work-ethic. You're all chill Mr. Blind. But mark my word, that better never repeat. Okay, period 100%, no mistakes in my grammatics.
12:26 - I'm really sleepy right now.
And I'm really hungry. I have no energy to do anything. I really need a nap. u_u
Sunday - 30/03/2025
00.28 - I just had a thought (because of course I did).
What if I'm just a narcissist? NPD fully? No. It's probably just my autism. Suspecting something as rare as a cluster B personality disorder when autism is much more viable is retarded. But I'm fully understanding better when looking at how people with NPD operate. Before I continue, I am aware that this vent will probably make me look like an edgelord. I do not give a fuck as I know what my own intentions behind the words are. I have nobody to "impress" and the idea that I am a bad person does not, infact, make me more popular. Why the hell would I want this? Anyways, proceeding...
Empathy, in my head, has been misunderstood. I'm in this odd limbo of feeling an overabundance of empathy whilst also being entirely stripped and void of it. I can empathize, but I have such a hard time sympathizing. I know exactly how I'd feel in your shoes, but I feel nothing. That's first off. Right now, I can feel neither. I'm losing emotions in general by the minute. "Nonchalant dreadhead" arse. Let me keep my thoughts organized so I don't go off the rails and side-tracked (as I usually do). I don't feel empathy. That's my conclusion. I feel vitriol and vengeful... I can be so enraged at rapists and murderers to the point of seeing red. I can. Because they are fucking subhuman filth worth nothing arse shit. But when it comes to the victim... I can't even explain how I feel. I'm serious, unless the story strikes me in just the right way, I feel little unless I deliberately trigger the emotions myself. In regards to all else, it is the same. I can't get myself to feel anything. But random things can trigger my empathy.
The empathy thing is not my big revelation. I've always been on a rocky terrain trying to establish how I feel. The real culprit for this vent is my disdain for being a bad person and my intents of feeling regret. Losing two friends really borderline traumatised me. But I actually don't feel anything. Like any empathy on their end. Any shame I might feel, is due to being seen in an unfavorable light. I actually don't care how my absence affects them, if it does at all. Can't bring myself to care. I don't fear being viewed as a bad person for the right reasons. I actually don't give a shit. I used to think my avoidance of being immoral was for heroic reasons, but really, they are entirely... hedonistic. Self-preserving. Society must never view me this way or my privileges and social standing will be tainted. I will never change, I will never feel actual guilt for actual valid reasons. And no, this neither concerns me nor do I give a single fuck about changing it. If I say something and someone calls me out on it, I will feel shame but it's only because I'm being viewed unfavorably or I feel the sense that I'm factually in the wrong. And that's fucking disgustang. I've also justified any nasty thoughts that are in my head. I will criticize someone so harshly, either on appearance or behavior. As in, the nastiest skank thoughts you could possibly muster. And I feel 0 guilt or shame about it. It's in my head, nobody can hear it. I don't put my thoughts on a leash. And then I go on Twitter and there are these girls who are like: "Sometimes my intrusive thoughts say: 'this girl is so fat' and I feel so horrible I want to cry" and I'm just thinking: "Laughing my arse off, what? 1) They ain't intrusive in my head. 2) I ain't feeling no shame." Why do you care so much? It's in your head? But I guess having any resemblance of a nasty character fucks with people's perception of their own morality which in turn makes them feel horrible. Or they feel horrible for the person they're directing this kept-to-themselves vitriol towards. Which I understand but I simply cannot relate. You've already got a run up in my head and I don't feel a single bit bad about it. And do I think I'm hot shit either? NO! I'm not fine shyt, I am a bitch-ass loser retard. Does't make anyone else safe from my mental scrutiny. We can all get it. I hate everyone and I hate myself but everybody is so much better than me but also I am the absolute best. Baby.
And then I hear about these gosh women on TikTok being like: "I don't notice physical appearance. I only notice character/personality." Inshallah no you fucking don't I refuse to fucking believe that for a goddamn second. "I can find beauty in everyone besides myself" they are thinking on a completely differet wavelength than me because I'm as objective as it gets. No. I don't find most people to be beautiful. You look the way you objectively look. And you might be hot shit (I can still see your flaws anyways) or you look like an ogre or you (most likely) look inbetween that. And then I look the way I look which is lopsided, good lips, horrible fucking side profile and ugly hanging tits. But I have kinda cute eyes. An old lady complimented them once, bless her soul. Point is, I just genuinely cannot in my arsehole believe that all these amazingly kind souls deadass hand on the Bible find everyone to be so darn beautiful. Where tf?? I cannot relate. For the life of me, this is the most unrelatable shit ever. I cannot STAND it. STAAAND it. It comes across as so fake and virtue signalling but I know a few of these people must be totally deadass and that's what confussles me. And about how character defines attraction... Still don't get it. Richard Ramirez still looks good. Can people not think in objectives anymore?? Yeah, he still looks good. He's a fucking awful "person" but actions doesn't physically morph his face now does it? I don't get it. It's not like looking good has ANYTHING to do with your morals. It's like saying that Jeffrey Dahmer has blonde hair, it's just the objective truth. It doesn't make his actions better or worse, he's just blonde. Do I make sense? I feel like I'm complimenting Richard when really I am not. I'm not even attracted to him because of his actions, but he objectively looks good to me. Maybe I should weed out my words carefully so they don't come off wrong here, but I don't think I'm lost in translation. I think that you all know EXACTLY what my intent behind these words are. Well, much milder example; There's this one hot guy in my class. He's a total fucking asshole and he tweaks out at anything. But he's still physically attractive and if he switched up his damn behavior, I'd literally just forget everything he's ever done. And even if he doesn't, his face still looks the same. I'd just lose the attraction, like the emotional tie. But I'm still attracted. Am I even making sense? My stance is, inner beauty doesn't change outer beauty. Two different things unrelated to one another.
I guess anything that could even be seen as virtual signalling disgusts me to the dirtiest spot in my urethra. If I'm not convinced that you seriously believe what you're saying, I get this overwhelming risen sense of cringe. Sometimes I have to remind myself that not everyone states these things with the attempt to paint themselves as morally superior. Some people really deadass do not believe that ugly people exist because "they find beauty in everyone and everyone is beautiful." Maybe Mrs. Sunshine. I can't relate. Have a hard time believing that you for real mean that with sincerity. I honestly think you think that yourself. But that it's actually true? No. And I don't understand being this adamant either... Is beauty THAT important? What's actually wrong with being ugly? It's much easiere to accept that some people are ugly, some a beautiful and most are... Well, average. It means nothing regarding things that supposedly actually matter like their character and personality. ARRHGHGH.
Anyways, I'm going the fuck to bed.
Monday 31/03/2025
09:02 - Uncountable amounts are going to kill me in English, I swear! It's my only struggle in this class. I hate them! Arseholes. Whatever -.- About my morning: Never use a Guess shopping bag as a school bag, ever! My zipper got stuck on some paper--- And it got STUCK! I had to rip and tear at it to get my dear MacBook back in and I was already in a major rush. I made it in time, though. Didn't get enough to tinkle so I had to take a trip to Føtex... Tell me why, there ain't no damn toilet paper. I had to get out buttcheeks exposed to the other stall. And lord and behold: That stall didn't have soap so I had to go back buttcheeks clothed to the initial stall to finish the deed. Just so unnecesarry. Anyways, we've just done some grammar in English class. That's all! ^__^ My teacher asked if I was a hacker cuz he saw me writing in my blog. Lol, no. I'm far too much of a loser to be that immoral.
09:47 - My art teacher just pulled me aside and told me, my art was coming together swell. That's great. I have plans on whipping that bad bitch out during the break and continuing on working with it. I'm worried, I'll finish it prematurely, but it's better than straight up never finishing it.OOOOHHHH math teacher spread my cheeks open first thing in math class. I will reign hellfire upon this class. Hellfire! Well, gotta make my assignment now. Gtg.
01/04/2025
10:36 - I miss everything.
So I logged back into my alt account and saw that (I'll call him Adam) had noticed that I was still following him on there. So of course I was unfollowed. I also found out he deactivated his public account all together. We have been departed from one another all year this year, but for some reason these two acts completely severed everything. And I got this overwhelming wave of grief because it means it's real and it means, that I'm suddenly 6509 kilometers away from him. Literally, he'll immortalise as a 16 year old forever no matter how many years pass and I won't be there in any capacity. Maybe not even as a memory. Same goes for my other friend. It feels wrong to call them ex-friends. They're still my friends in my mind. I don't think that'll ever change even if that's kinda creepy. The thing is, it's not the end that hurts. It's the fact the past exists and is unattainable that hurts.
I got the brilliant genius idea to open our Discord channel and pure emptiness and complete quietude had overtaken grief as an emotion. I read through our old messages about us waffling about Saw and Sherlock. It felt like reading messages between two people that don't exist anymore. I thought it was just me that had changed but honestly, he did too. Or was he just cold? I don't know. I don't remember. I read through his last tweets and I can't tell. Can't tell if he's changed in the way he talked. I'm so sad. I want to be 17 again and analyse Saw and the like one more time and if things didn't change, we could go on to have 80s night which, turns out, we actually actively tried to do but his stupid PC wasn't working that one time we tried. But it'll never happen, we'll never interact again and it's just, I've succumbed to it. Time goes on and idk. I never imagined I'd watch Stranger Things season five completely alone with no one to talk to about it, honestly. I would've called present me for a liar should 2022 me know. I miss everything but we've both changed, yk. Like, even if I contacted him and somehow managed to make him 100% indifferent towards all that's happened, it won't make 2023 come back, yk? As in, his interest in Saw as a whole has dwindled, he is religious now, he's just different, like, he's not that into movies anymore from what I can tell or maybe he just didn't want to talk to me about it even before I changed. It'll NEVER happen again. Makes me want to scream because of how badly I want what I had one more time. IE: Analysing movies and talking about politics before my ideology changed.
Do I regret changing? Honestly, no. I can't fucking do the shit I used to do. My ideology changed so dramatically that it was something that had to happen. I hope this leftist shit leaves him and whatnot. Or he at least manages to see my perspective even if he doesn't adapt it himself. But I can't bring myself to earnestly claim that males are females. It's not a hatred thing, it's just a matter of honesty. And I can't fucking believe it's that important to either of us that they are diffferences we can't forgive or maintain a friendship with. I wish politics weren't a thing and I wish that idk. Bottom line is that I want one more day and I miss it super bad, really bad. Nonsense "Used to be my friend" you're still viewed positively in my mind like it or not. But I won't call you my friend anymore as that would be creepy. I hope you lurk my twitter sometimes because the idea you've 100% moved on disgusts me. I don't want me to plague you the same way you plague me, but I hope that I'm at least not completely and utterly forgotten. And if you ever one summer-day get the urge to stalk my Twitter and you click the link in my bio and you find this blog, that you know, I still care and that I will always be here and I will forget everything and I will even pretend to believe all the things that you believe like literally give me the word and I'll put it all behind me and have 0 hard feelings. But you will never find this.
It's just like you said:
Well, whatever. I hope, I find some way of contacting you again (after a decade or so) to ask you how you've been and how your careers been, like, I hope there's a linkedIN or you somehow never change your email by the time I do so. Because I do want to. Will make it harder if you move out of town. Whatever. Enough before I sound like a stalker. Bottom line is, that I hope that I won't die in my senior years having never talked to you since this date. I don't think I'll ever get the same bond with anyone else. Honestly, I wondered for the longest, whether my bond with you or Zach was the closest. I've known Zach for much longer. But no break of a bond affected me quite like ours. So I got my answer in the dumbest way possible. I'm pondering right now whether I regret ever pursuing this friendship to begin with. I asked you how we met and you didn't remember but I do. We met not only on EDtwt but under a discussion about wheelchairs. Pretty darn random. (03/04/2025 input here: It wasn't randomly. Me making a "disabled from feeling joy (...)" tweet was the nail in the coffin. So wheelchairs were the beginning and end of this. How ironic). And I complimented your layout because it had Eddie Munson as a cat as the header (and I thought it was cute... mainly because it was and I loved Eddie myself). I really wonder that amidst the thousands of tweets I scrolled past that day, that if I also scrolled past that one, I never replied or you never interacted, that my (and your) life right now would've been for the better. Or if "heartbreak" is just the price you pay when you decide to be vulnerable enough to be friends with someone. I wonder if it was a privilege to know you or if I would just... rather not mess with it at all because the "heartbreak" I feel right now was actually worth all the good things I experienced these past few years. - I'm putting heartbreak in quotes because I associate that word with romantic breakups and that's obviously not the scenario here though I can't think of a better one. - I'm just coming to the conclusion that the "heartbreak" sucks butt but that I honestly am happy I wasn't alone. I am now but if I never met you, I would've always been alone since you were the only one I could share my darkest thoughts to. And the thoughts that made me, me.
You're not on this blog. I know this. But on the 1% it happens and of the other 20% chance you feel guilty, I feel the need to also emphasize that none of this is to make you feel like doo-doo. I don't want you to think it's your fault. Of course, losing a friendship of this magnitude is devastating, especially if it means, you're completely and entirely back on your own. But that doesn't mean you should be the one to bear the guilt of it. This ain't your fault. The fact I feel like doo-doo is on me. Is it on me changing? Sure. But I don't view me as changing as me making active decisions. I can't help that I changed and neither could you. So really, the ultimate person at fault is Time. That's who the guilty party is and that's who should feel shame and like doo-doo. FUCK TIME! Fuck the everlasting race to death where everything has to change and nothing can just stay the same forever. Piss! And I'm writing so many words knowing that you probably don't care at all. You probably just feel a little bit sad about losing a moot but at the end of the day you have 50 other people to talk to and we were prolly not as close as I thought we were, so you'll probably just move on just fine. I won't for a good few years at least. I'm not going to say this will affect me till the end of time. Things, that felt like the end of the world in 2020 I am completely over with now. So although I can't grasp the concept of moving on now, I am tangibly aware of the fact that I probably will move on. And probbaly within a few years. I know this because I was actually pretty far in moving on (I even considered softblocking you myself! Just couldn't get myself to do it) until I found out you softblocked my alt and deactivated your public. Then it felt like I was back on day one of grieving the friendship. So I know that moving on is physically possible but man. I have so many daydreams of things I wanna show you. But I never will. Well... Maybe this'll haunt me till I'm 90 or maybe I'm completely and entirely over it by tomorrow. But I don't know. I'm writing this to let future me (and maybe even you) know, that it was real and not a dream and that it was honest and genuine and all the good stuff. And although I'd like to move on, I don't want to forget. I really don't. I kind of regret deleting our DMs and stuff... I deleted them, because I feared that it would hurt too much to keep them and I was scared that I was going to read them over and over again and it would stunt me from moving on.
You know, when I was on Discord and I was reading our messages, I found myself smiling. I was always smiling when talking to you, my classmates once asked if I had a boyfriend and I was so deeply ashamed because it was kinda gross to me to even imagine having that relation but I was embarrassed but I just wanted to point that out to emphasize the aforementioned. It had been so long since I smiled at our conversations even though it wasn't an on-going LIVE one anymore... Well, I read through them, forgetting reality for a minute. But the little box at the bottom was always in my pheripeal vision. The box that put me back in reality and read: "you're viewing older messages. Jump to present That hurt more than anything, being reminded that the conversation isn't live but is instead just an old relic. A look into a past that used to be a present. I opened Twitter and your Jonathan Byers profile-picture is still not on my notifications-wall and my notifications in general are silent with a few strangers replying to an argument I made.
Well, this whole thing is a documentation and also a vent. What it isn't is a woe-is-me post to try and fail to gain your sympathy. It's an onus that I care. So you don't think that I don't care. It's also not a pussy thing where I'm writing some obscure place in the hopes you'd find it but being too much of a bitch to say it to your face. I'm operating under the notion that you want nothing to do with me and that contacting you directly would be incredibly creepy. You sat your boundary when you blocked me. Says enough. So I'll respect it. And I'll just hope that some way somehow you'll find this. Whether it's your intuition telling you to look at my Twitter one more time or someone directly finds this and goes: "Hey, Adam, ain't this about you?" and you find it that way. To make it explicitly clear, I'm talking about a night that is strange followed by a birthday. NOBODY reads this blog I promise. So I doubt anyone'll find his account. Who even cares if they can, it's private. The only private things I've said here were my own feelings. Everything else is apparent or so irrelevant to unrelated people that they'll nothing with the information. I'm explicitly stating it on the off-chance that someone knows Adam and sends this to him. So they know who I am talking about and know to send it. I don't think I need to elaborate. If Adam finds this blog, he'll know with 100% certainty it's about him. Listen, dude. You know why I call you Adam in particular? It's not like, it's not your name, It was. Because that's what I referred to you as in our Discord DMS. Ew, discord as a concept, amirite? Hahaha. Whatever. I need to end this blog somewhere. If you feel anything that is short of vitriol, simmer down. If you needed a sign to contact then contact. If it isn't as deep as I've made it and you feel nothing, I don't know why you're on this page then. But you do you. Don't contact. Do what you want to do. But like I stated 5000 words ago, I hope this isn't the end. I hope there's more. Like. ONE more interaction. I hope we'll be in some form of contact one more time. And I hope that you indeed do find this pathetic dumpsterfire. Hey, I wrote this in my physical diary, yk, but obviously there's a 0% chance you'll come to my house to read it lol. So I'm going to say it in my public one: Remember the book I translated? If all else fails you, just go and read it, man, I really think you'll love it. Don't even worry about it springing up emotions or anything, just imagine that I had nothing to do with it. If your mom ever watches Sherlock out loud downstairs, I hope my memory springs up momentarily but I also hope you go downstairs to join her because it's legitimately a FIRE show. Still is. I'm still me. It's still Xenia, I still like these things. ??? OK.
My fear right now, is that we for real were nothing more than surface level casual level twitter moots and that you seeing all these words throws you off. "She cares this deeply about our surface level relation?" Embarrasingly, yes. But it isn't meant to be creepy. If this is seen as obsessive and not mournful like it's intended to be, I might as well just KRILL MESELF. Another reason why this is so long is so I can get ALL my feelings out. Then they won't have to be rolled around in my mind and pondered. They can just stay here and I can read them and you can read them. To avoid misunderstanding and breed full context. And to also materialise into reality so that I can't think to myself: "I never felt that way." This is PROOF that it happened, that it mattered (even if it doesn't by the time I'm rereading this) and that nothing is forgotten. Because even if my mind erases it, it'll just permanently live here. I mean it has to. It was 10:36 when I started writing. It's 11:41 now. I haven't even taken a break, not even a small one to ponder on what to write. I just sat down and wrote endlessly for over an hour. I hadn't even considered doing this; making it technically public even though nobody will read this blog. So I hadn't thought about what to write prior to writing this. So if I regret something in here, it's too late. I promised myself to not delete anything so I can't claim to have never thought of something that way. The written evidence should always be there period. I am authentic. I will never delete this. If I delete any blog entry or portions of a blog entry, I will take it from others. This one is the most important one I will ever write, I believe. Unless I write a suicide note or goodbye-I-have-terminal-cancer or something, lol, that sounds a smidge more important than this: "Aww I lost a bestie and now I'm sad"-shit. Not to condense everything into something meaningless. Just saying, death is a hell of a lot worse! But if I ever got terminally ill, I feel like I'd contact him. Since I won't get the opportunity to do that anymore so I might as well do it. I actually considered contracting cancer in some way to fallicitate that, yk. Give myself an excuse to have one more LIVE conversation. Obviously, that was just an emotional talking point and wasn't even a modicum of actuality.
There's nothing else that can be done besides moving on.
Which is what I'll do now.
I'm signing off. Until we meet again, I will just sit here and wonder who bit a chunk of my cheek off.
12:15 Holy shit. 3003 words all about you. You must either feel creeped out or cared about. Hopefully the ladder. I mean forgive me if I write a novel about you. You filled three or so years of my life. And if I must encapsulate everything, I might as well get ALL of it out. Now you know EXACTLY how I feel. I read over what I had just written. I feel like it wasn't enough. I sound like I don't care as much as I do. But I promise I do. I wish we could switch bodies for a day just you'd know. Or you'd contact me. Despite 3003 words, I still didn't get it all out. Even though it's therapeutic and somewhat practical to write this down, there comes a point where the good side effects wear off. Then you're just writing for the sake of writing. And you say a bunch of nonsense. So I kept it short and sweet. Ironically enough. Not a Sabrina Ann Lynn Carpenter reference. Haha. I'm not laughing. I'm not happy. I'm sitting in an empty classroom. I started writing this during class. Everyone had left me far ago. I'm still writing. I need to leave as well. Okay, goodbye for good. I'll make another entry if anything meaningful pops up. You finding this will be like when I found that one Ken doll who was wearing that pink dress. It was funny as FUCK. I'm laughing at dead memories. I should really focus on school instead. Dead memories haha. Okay...
03/04/2025
23:41 - Wow holy shit, lol.
I don't want to jinx myself, but I feel, I've just suddenly and randomly COMPLETELY moved on now. I'm actually thrown off. I was so filled with anxiety and overwhelming, genuine I'll-never-get-over-this-levels of sadness but now I'm really happy, it's as if I never cared. I'm almost too embarrassed to read what I wrote two days ago. It's not that I'm taking it back but, one, I feel like it was creepily obsessive but really, I just felt immense grief over something I was previously so invested in and secondly, because of how my position towards this was. I think that me being followed on the alt account and having access to his thoughts made me feel like he was still my friend in some sort of way but now that we're completely disconnected, it's as if nothing happened and he turned from "former friend" to "random Twitter moot I once had." So maybe that was a blessing in disguise. I'm also just really scared that this is all temporary and the negative feelings are going to come back. But I feel like, I spedran all the stages of grief within a day. I'm just really confused now... I wish I could access his thoughts... Was I just a random twitter moot and I blew this up to such extortinate levels where I had pictured us being much closer than we used to and the loss of the friendship was just a casual block or was I genuinely someone he viewed as a forreal friend at any point and the break-off was also a sense of loss for him? That's what makes me feel creepy. You know those reddit nice-guys who contact women they just met and they roleplay this scenario of them being much closer than they are and then when they get rejected, they write an entire 3003 word long novel about how much this upset them and it's like: "Dude, we weren't that close"... That's how I feel.
I do know what kick-started all the moving-on though.
Yesterday, after work, I was walking home and I heard the birds chirping and the sky was bluish-purple. I had been so anxious over several things, actually. Namely how bad it was going academically. The friendship breakup was always in the back of my mind but I don't think it's neither fair nor accurate to put the whole thing in one basket. Anyways, I had been so anxious that the anxiety and sadness got converted into the forefront of my mind. It was as if it FINALLY hit me that not only was the friendships (yes, both of them) for real over but the academical goals were almost at a point of no return and I couldn't improve upon myself. I always said, that if I never got my shit together, things would go bad. But the consequences of not getting my shit together was so far into the abstract future that suddenly being IN said abstract made me lose my grounding. Another thing that happened, that actually allowed me to let my guard down was my coworker scolding me for talking "ugly" to a customer. I didn't say anything mean, but I was so anxious from everything in my life that I gave a somewhat tired, short response. My coworker didn't like that. It just made everything worse... I got a surge overwhelming horror that I kicked some rocks, I usually do that for fun, but I was real upset so I kicked them hard. Then I just started to cry. I had to run home to ask if I could go for a walk. It was the most idyllic thing I ever experienced and super comforting. First I went to the church and sobbed my heart out on a bench like, outside, on the street, near the church. I sobbed really hard.
- I actually originally added the photo of me here because I thought I looked pretty, but I was so scared about the prospect of him finding this blog and then feeling guilty... Literally my biggest fear. But also the idea of me portraying myself as a victim. Yuck! You want the photo, ya just email me. IDC. Not adding this here.-
The scenery was super beautiful.
And I then got a very apparent need to just start running. I ran for a good long minute. Entered the forest and at some point I just sat down on the dirt path and just cried as hard as I could, made pleads to change. And then I just watched the sunset. There were rays of sun piercing the sky behind the trees. The sun gave said trees a golden outline. Everything was completely silent except for the river, the birds and some of my sobs. But I was so happy simulatenously... "Happy" is the wrong word. I felt so comforted and as if I was experiencing a nirvana. It was unlike any other feeling coupled with Kim Larsen's;
Everyone that I knew is gone.
Perhaps, they're at the beach?
Or maybe, it's just me, who became to someone else?
Became someone else?
Far, far away.
Far, far away.
When first you have,
said: "Goodbye."
You can never:
Come back
Come back
Come back
Come back again
And that was the note I ended the crying on... Anyways. Expanding further:
When I cry, every bad thing that's ever happened or anything I miss pops up in my head. I might start crying because of one reason but by the end, I've sobbed over everything. I cried thinking about the airport on my way to my grandma. I was at the waiting area and I just distinctly remember this wall imagery of this magenta flower. I think there was a bird there too. And there was a little middle eastern boy playing in it (the room). He casually spoke to me in Arabic despite knowing that I understood none of what he said. The voices weren't muffled at the time, but the way my brain frames the memory sounds like when you're waking up from a nap and you can hear your parents on the other end of the house. I think it's because he spoke Arabic so it was inaudible, coupled with the intense nostalgia.
I sobbed because of the mishaps autism caused me, the troubles. I also started grieving the fact that because of my autism and the fact I look different from everyone, I would never be normal and have a family of my own or even any friends again. I felt really alone. Sure, the reason I cried was because I knew things were going to change from now on, but by the end, it was everything. Until I suddenly felt carthagic and the sun had set. Then I waltzed hastily home. It got really dark. I looked into the buildings of my neighbours. Namely, their living-rooms. Everyone had such warm lights on, this particular house had their TV turned on. I wanted really badly to just knock on their door and ask to join and be in their warm dream-like livingroom. Obvious why I didn't. The world looked different that evening. I knew exactly how fleeting and special this evening was. So I'm happy I was grateful and soaked in all of my senses to experience it. I've been so lambasted lately. I almost didn't write this because there weren't any descriptive words to capture how I felt. But my brain structured all of this too well to let that moment go; I knew exactly how I wanted to write this. It's horrible and inaccurate. Blog-reader, you have no idea what it was like and no words can make you imagine it. But it was better than anything I could've come up with in the future... And the longer I wait, the more details I'll forget and I really needed to immortalize this moment.
I'm too lazy to write about the events that happened today because it turned into midnight in the midst of writing this. YAAAWN. I bought some expensive headphones and some Catrice eyeshadow pallettes that are going to be my IRL friends' birthday presents.
00:40 - Technically, next day. IDGAF though. I'm just kinda laying here and wondering if I should delete last entry which is ironic because of: "So if I regret something in here, it's too late. I promised myself to not delete anything so I can't claim to have never thought of something that way. The written evidence should always be there period." HAHAHAHAH. But it just feels too weird. I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of ending a friendship because it's no longer good for me and then discovering what they said. But I hope he understands, I'm just writing how I feel about losing a friendship. That's all it is. What do I take back? Mmm. I don't really want him to contact me anymore. I don't really care about talking to him anymore. I don't want to contact him whatsoever oh my god lol no. Not in 10 years. Literally won't keep up with him anymore in any capacity except maybe checking his neocities once a week until I one day completely cease all memories. My care now is minimal. It's so weird. I felt so much. Now I feel so indifferent. It's so odd. It doesn't negate any of what I wrote. But it almost feels like backpedalling because of how my mood swung so hard. Jausus. Well, I'll just kill myself if it's too weird of a drivel I wrote. I think, what I most worry about in terms of the post, is the length. I'm scared that it'll come across as obsessive at first glance. But I did state and still state that it was to pour out any possible thoughts or emotion I'd pertained to the siutation at hand. And a testament for the past three years.
Okay goodnight then. If I truly moved on, then this is the absolute last entry I'll ever make mentioning Adam ever again. Tootles.